It has been a while since I last blogged... nine days to be precise! The last few days have been some of the worst days of my life. I've been experiencing a gamut of emotions, all of which threated to take the life out of me, in a very literal sense of that sentence.
First October loomed large with suicidal thoughts. I was at my lowest low that evening and couldn't have gotten any lower. I messaged a very close person, told him exactly what and how I was feeling. Strangely, in spite of feeling as low as I did, his reply lifted me a little. Still, it did nothing to those ever-looming suicidal thoughts; they were playing themselves in my head, and I then explained how futile it was for me to live. He called me and I cried and cried and cried and cried - and with those tears, I overcame a little more grief.
Considering my state of mind, I choose to have very few people in my world - my immediate family and a few close, selected friends, all of whom I can say anything to. During a time as hard as this, we're very, very vulnerable and whom we choose to associate ourselves with, makes all the difference. Who you pick is really up to you - basically, anyone you're comfortable with, anyone you can call on and anyone you can depend on, anyone who will listen to you without judging you, and of course, anyone who will give you a slap on your wrists when you need them.
We're usually in shock during and immediately after the passing away of a loved one. While in shock, we're insulated from the pain, life is a little more bearable, and we'll often surprise ourselves into believing that we're as strong as we think we are. However, once that shock wears off (and it will), reality hits us worse that a bolt of lightening. It's then and only then that we start dealing with the true intensity of what we're feeling, and in some cases, not feeling. Even though I go to work, I break down and cry if I have to, and I totally do. Go to the restroom and sob, cry, let those tears flow.
So far, I limit my tears at home because I don't want my mum to see them, however, I break down whenever and wherever I want as this is essential to the healing process. I've been reading a lot on healing and while there's no set way we overcome grief such as this, the stages of grief are the same. Some of us may take longer than others, but it's imperative that we feel all those stages, no matter how hard it is. It has been nine days since October and I've been at my lowest low for all these days, hell, I'm low now, as I type this.
I've also received a few lectures along the way - people telling me that I have to pick myself up, that I have to let dad go, that at a spiritual and philosophical level I should know that this is for the best, etc. All I can say is that while I'm intellectually tuned into all of the above, nothing and I mean nothing of that makes sense to me right now, and it really shouldn't. When one is as blind and deaf with pain and grief as I am at the moment, do you think I really care about all the above? No!
People say that time heals, but I disagree. I believe that time doesn't heal everything, it just makes the intensity of pain less and the grief more bearable. The loss of a parent is a loss that we live with for the rest of our lives; it's not a loss we overcome, but a loss we live with... right now, it may seem impossible, but somewhere deep down I know that eventually I'll live with this pain... eventually.
Till then, I'll cry, break down, fight suicidal thoughts (which is also a part of the grieving process), cut out the world, stay silent, do whatever it takes to help me honour my father's memory and mourn him... only through this mourning will I be able to start living again... one day!
Daddy's message - Do whatever works for you to get yourself through this. Lots and lots of well-meaning people will have words of advice, methods of life, etc., but ONLY YOU know your journey, ONLY YOU know what you're going though and ONLY YOU know what'll get you through. If you feel like you're losing control or you're on the trigger, please call on anyone, and I mean anyone you trust.
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